Why should dd.com have the market cornered on spreading lies, making up rumours and inventing overheard conversations - we should get to have some fun too.
All I ask is, that in the name of taste and decency we leave names out of it. Have some fun. I'll begin.
This weekend past I was at a bar/restaurant in one of the surrounding towns that are making millions by the minute because they allow smoking. Anyway, I saw a council woman chowing down on live puppies - yes, actual live puppies - and chatting with her husband about how everyone in Scranton is stupid and that she's thinking about creating her own ban with that in mind.
She wants to ban stupidity. Her husband suggested they also consider banning insanity - then they ordered another round of live puppies - with extra dipping sauce - and continued the chat.
After a few minutes some smaller than life bald dude came up to them and asked them to reconsider thier proposed ban on stupidity and insanity. He said that without those demographics she could never win re-election.
After brief consideration, both she and her husband agreed. The three of them then sat at the table formultaing a new plan - banning the Scranton Times. "Just think about how much truth we could spread without those slime-sellers," the bald man proclaimed.
Just then a guy with a smoke hanging out of his mouth walked up to them and said, "you know, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation about banning the local newspaper. While I may not agree with everything they print, surely someone must - they have like 60,000 subscribers."
The three puppy munchers looked stunned. Then the one that looks like Cruella DeVille said, "maybe we do need a ban on stupidity." Her husband nodded yes, the bald guy looked a bit perplexed at first then said, "no problem - I'll just take the Webster's Dictionary people to court and force them to redefine stupidity."
I know the owner of that place (well, not the owner, but his neighbor's uncle's son's teacher's hairdresser's mechanic's sister-in-law's dentist's pen pal), and he said something about a puppy, so this must be true.
It was Friday and (good Christian woman that she is) Cruella was dining on a plateful of guppies - GUPPIES I tell you - and it was tartar sauce, which she ordered on a whim ... just for the halibut. She also ordered a side of fava beans and a nice chianti.
And the cigarette hanging out of that guy's mouth wasn't actually a cigarette at all. It actually contained a hidden camera which was intentionally aimed downward to film what was in the mysterious handbag of said councilwoman. It showed a taser, an open lipstick covered with what looked like tobacco, a box of red pens, a big jar of cheap blonde hair dye and a sequined scrunchie.
I heard (after I made the original post) that Cruella (Morticia?) made a trip to the parking lot with said smaller than life bald man.
I still can't figure out why she was frowning and he was crying...packing little or no heat I'm guessing. Both were bummed. Good thing hubby was there to pick up the pieces. Thank God for sanity and balance.
Habla es Venusian? See, the Martians are the little green men ... the Venusians, however, are the only ones in the galazy who speak a semblance of the English language, have a little red beard, sparkling blue eyes, and dress themselves in every shade of green. They usually show up around this time of the year.
It's been said that a soon to be mayoral candidate has engaged one of these Venusians to be her ICN moll and has paid dearly for its' services. Clever girl. Too bad it's only going to come up with Patty O'Furniture and Holy caaards.
The rumour mill has it ... Granma was hired to fill an emergency accounting position at Sparklit. She is Deputy Secretary in Charge of ac'Counting'. And what PERKS - she's got major medical, free parking, five weeks vacation and only has to work on warm days (the mittens make her lose count).
